I remember once, years ago, lamenting to a friend about how long it was taking for me to find my person. My friend, in her infinite wisdom, said “Your life can change overnight. Be patient. It’s coming.” And man oh man was she ever right. It changed and then it changed…again. So much has happened since my last post. I never intended to take a hiatus, but life came at me fast. Between the marriage, doctoral program and work obligations, I couldn’t find the time to keep up with the blog despite longing to write and having so much to say. There’s nothing like having your world blown up in your pretty little face to light a fire under your arse (wish I could say pretty and little, but I digress) and motivate you to resurrect hobbies all for the sake of trying to maintain a modicum of sanity. Where to begin….
I live in Vancouver, Canada now, alone. It’s the first time in more than twenty years that I’ve lived alone. Initially, there were a lot of tears and pity parties, but after four months I’ve found a groove of sorts and I’m quite enjoying the solitude. The reason I’m living alone is quite a long story, but in short, I’m getting a divorce. *sigh* It still feels a bit surreal to be in this place, again. Especially after vowing to never be here. But the great love that I thought I found, turned out to not be so great after all. I’m still unpacking and processing (with the help of a therapist), but it all boils down to ignoring my instincts and my desires all in the name of love.
Love does not conquer all. It’s a huge, dangerous myth that we’ve been sold to our detriment. We get into relationships believing we can mold and shape people into the model partners that we’ve dreamed up, neglecting one important fact- we’re human. We are not meant to be science projects. Our partners come to us as whole individuals with their own thoughts, desires, ambitions, habits and personalities. But we spend (read: waste) so much time just trying to pick them apart and focusing on all the things we don’t like about them or wish we could change and sometimes, manipulate them into changing. The shit doesn’t work and makes for a pretty miserable existence for everyone involved. I never wanted to be married again. I had no desire to have more kids, but my partner wanted those things and I, being the hopeless romantic that I am, thought well I love him, so why not? Tsk. Tsk. There are absolutely some things that can be compromised, but I’m from the Eartha Kitt school of thought- Compromise? FOR WHAT?
There is so much beauty which exists at this stage of my life. The lessons, while painful, have been glorious growth opportunities. I’ve fallen in love with myself all over again, or maybe for the first time and I truly bask in the pleasure of my own company. I’m reigniting passions and activities I once loved. I’m skating again and even hula hooping. I’ve started working out again, cleaning up my diet and even started a running program. I haven’t given up on romantic love, but I’m no longer as hopeful as I once was that I’ll find someone who will love me as fiercely as I do. And I’m fine with that, because unless I do, I will remain happily in a relationship with myself.