Uncategorized – Veni! Vidi! Que…?

Queenager

It seems I’ve come to the juncture in my life, where this particular blog doesn’t serve me the way that I need it to. So I have decided then I am going to create a new blog. One that better reflects this current stage and this new journey that I am on. Being newly uncoupled with no children living at home, in a new place by myself is a stage that I didn’t quite envision for myself right now, but here I am nonetheless. And so, I have a lot of feelings about this time in my life. Some of which I am having a hard time grappling with myself. I want to take the time to explore these feelings, unpack them, interrogate them and make sense of them. And some I simply want to go away.

This blog was about my travels. It was about me and my daughter going on this big adventure outside of the United States of America, living and working and being in different countries. This was about us and our lives together- me being a mom, her being a kid and us making the best of what to many is a challenging situation, but for us it was truly, undoubtedly, a beautiful moment in time. But now that I am alone, there is a new adventure that I have to begin to make sense of. I need to figure out how the hell to navigate this new life, this aloneness with a modicum of sanity intact.

I need space to talk about my weight loss journey, the new country I’m living in, the aloneness I feel, and liking someone who is unavailable. Oh yeah and the writing, or lack there of, of my dissertation. I need space to talk about my highs and my lows, my challenges and my celebrations, and just plain ole grown woman shit. This blog was never meant to be that. And so I bid this blog a fond farewell. Thank you to anyone who shared time and space with me here. Hopefully you’ll join me on the next chapter of this journey of life.

Life happens….

I remember once, years ago, lamenting to a friend about how long it was taking for me to find my person. My friend, in her infinite wisdom, said “Your life can change overnight. Be patient. It’s coming.” And man oh man was she ever right. It changed and then it changed…again. So much has happened since my last post. I never intended to take a hiatus, but life came at me fast. Between the marriage, doctoral program and work obligations, I couldn’t find the time to keep up with the blog despite longing to write and having so much to say. There’s nothing like having your world blown up in your pretty little face to light a fire under your arse (wish I could say pretty and little, but I digress) and motivate you to resurrect hobbies all for the sake of trying to maintain a modicum of sanity. Where to begin….

I live in Vancouver, Canada now, alone. It’s the first time in more than twenty years that I’ve lived alone. Initially, there were a lot of tears and pity parties, but after four months I’ve found a groove of sorts and I’m quite enjoying the solitude. The reason I’m living alone is quite a long story, but in short, I’m getting a divorce. *sigh* It still feels a bit surreal to be in this place, again. Especially after vowing to never be here. But the great love that I thought I found, turned out to not be so great after all. I’m still unpacking and processing (with the help of a therapist), but it all boils down to ignoring my instincts and my desires all in the name of love.

Love does not conquer all. It’s a huge, dangerous myth that we’ve been sold to our detriment. We get into relationships believing we can mold and shape people into the model partners that we’ve dreamed up, neglecting one important fact- we’re human. We are not meant to be science projects. Our partners come to us as whole individuals with their own thoughts, desires, ambitions, habits and personalities. But we spend (read: waste) so much time just trying to pick them apart and focusing on all the things we don’t like about them or wish we could change and sometimes, manipulate them into changing. The shit doesn’t work and makes for a pretty miserable existence for everyone involved. I never wanted to be married again. I had no desire to have more kids, but my partner wanted those things and I, being the hopeless romantic that I am, thought well I love him, so why not? Tsk. Tsk. There are absolutely some things that can be compromised, but I’m from the Eartha Kitt school of thought- Compromise? FOR WHAT?

There is so much beauty which exists at this stage of my life. The lessons, while painful, have been glorious growth opportunities. I’ve fallen in love with myself all over again, or maybe for the first time and I truly bask in the pleasure of my own company. I’m reigniting passions and activities I once loved. I’m skating again and even hula hooping. I’ve started working out again, cleaning up my diet and even started a running program. I haven’t given up on romantic love, but I’m no longer as hopeful as I once was that I’ll find someone who will love me as fiercely as I do. And I’m fine with that, because unless I do, I will remain happily in a relationship with myself.

Chungking Mansions- Scary, Yet Irresistible

On a recent trip to Hong Kong for professional development, a friend of mine suggested we hit up an amazing Indian restaurant that was highly recommended by one of her colleagues. And since I love good food, I was all in. A few minutes into the convo, my friend shares the location of this “amazing” restaurant – the notorious Chungking Mansions. I immediately questioned just how “amazing” this place could be if it was located inside that den of debauchery and horror.